"Do over"

I delayed today's dose for the last hour or so but now I'm plugged in and will soon know how I'm going to do on 2 grams of Rocephin daily. This kind of procrastination is unusual for me. I'm the type who sizes up a difficult situation and then proceeds to conquer it. I'm more inclined to jump than stand at the edge and fret about the fall. I don't mean to imply that this is the only way to approach such problems, it just happens to be my method of operation. That I've hesitated about the Rocephin says a great deal about my ambivalence. I want to get well but wish the price wasn't this high. Yesterday a friend said she hoped that my gains would be worth feeling lousy from the antibiotic. Well, there isn't much of a choice here; without the meds I would certainly get worse and there's no hope in that pathway. So I've jumped.
Right now I'm tempted to ask God for a "do over". I have always said that I haven't met a person that I would wish this ordeal on but lately I've been looking around for one. Lacking that fiend I wish this illness would be lifted from my shoulders. I'm sure other people have wished away their medical problems; doesn't work that way, bummer. As kids, my friends and I took our games seriously. Someone might get bad breaks but we reasoned that is simply how things go- tough luck. Rarely, someone would ask for a "do over". When that happened we would mentally weigh all of the variables and issue a decision. We were stern judges but not heartless and occasionally a "do over" was granted. If that happened to me now I would consider it a miracle. I believe in miracles but am not counting on one.
Lyme is making me tougher but not colder. When I return to my patients I'll have more compassion to offer an fewer medical absolutes. I will seek medical methods to grant more "do overs".