Inanition

Inanition, great word but a lousy state of mind to be stuck in. But that's exactly where I find myself. My illness has given me a great deal to consider and write about. I have always been a strong advocate for patients and there are a multitude of patient care issues that I could speak out about, and want to speak about, but often when I sit down to write I find the process too difficult and I end up playing computer bridge. My inaction can partially be explained by my inability to concentrate for prolonged periods. I can stay on task long enough to play a hand but not long enough to consider a medically related topic in detail. I know that I could write drafts or small segments of a larger piece in each sitting but I didn't work in that fashion in my former life so I find it hard to make the transition.
Right now my entire life is in transition. I am not the person I used to be and I doubt that my antibiotic therapy will bring me all the way back to my previous state. I am not yet sure where I'll end up and that keeps me from settling into my current life. I remain hopeful that I'll get back to the practice of medicine and thus it's hard to fully let go of my former patients. I continue to have concern for all of them and there are a few whose medical problems I am still trying to solve in my head. I enjoy visiting with my patients on the rare occasions when I'm out in town but those meetings are bittersweet. Everyone wants to know when I'll be back and I struggle to explain that I lack any true sense about my prognosis. At home I don't know whether to delay projects or hire them out or simply let them go. Such uncertainty is a marked change from my former self and not a welcome one.
There have been some positive changes. I clearly know the difference between important matters and the small stuff. Minor setbacks and obstacles don't bother me. Rarely will a situation or statement get a "rise" out of me. I am slower to anger or to make a judgment about another's motives. I am less critical, more patient, less argumentative, kinder.
I am waiting to see what I'll be like when my treatment is completed. I really enjoyed being the old me, I hope the new me will be a fun person to know.